Communication Series III: Strategies for Handling Conflict

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Since each cancer experience is different, one approach does not necessarily work for everyone. This information serves as a starting point for effective communication and conflict resolution with your loved one. There is no single right way.

Virtually every relationship has experienced some sort of conflict between its participants. Conflict is commonly due to the emotional connections within your relationships. These connections feed reactions to the judgments and input others provide, which can make a person feel out of control, disrespected, or unheard. When this happens, the emotions take over and guide the decisions being made, which can cause a person to act out in hurtful, impulsive ways. It is important to remember that your personal feelings are valid all of the time. However, what you do with them might not be. Before reacting quickly, pause — take time to consider what can be lost if you continue to fight to win.

Conflict in a relationship is virtually inevitable. In itself, conflict isn’t a problem; how it’s handled, however, can bring people together or tear them apart. Poor communication skills, disagreements, and misunderstandings can be a source of anger and distance or a springboard to a stronger relationship and a happier future.

The fear is that giving in on a particular issue means losing somehow. In turn you can lose sight of the bigger picture and get caught up in the surface instead of focusing on the true root of the conflict. Sometimes humans can unknowingly convince themselves that being vulnerable and communicating the problem is showing weakness. In order to combat this unproductive belief, it may be helpful to look at the conflict objectively.

Conflict is defined as “difference in opinion or some kind of disagreement between two or more parties”. Conflicts need to be resolved eff ectively. It is not only important to resolve the conflict, but also is equally important to ensure that the parties involved in conflict do not unnecessarily end up experiencing trauma during the resolution process. Striking a balance between resolving the conflict to find the compromise and maintaining the emotional wellbeing of the people involved is critical to successfully managing any conflict.

It is important to understand clearly what the conflict is, why the conflict occurred, what the challenges are and the various available methods in resolving conflicts. A starting point to addressing conflict is to analyze it.

Analyze the conflict.

This will help clarify the specific problem more objectively. Some questions that you may ask are:

• What triggered the conflict?

• Who are you angry with?

• Why are you not getting that you want?

• What are you afraid of losing?

• Is your conflict/anger accurate or over-exaggerated?

• How can your conflict be resolved?

Conflicts can be constructive and are good for facilitating growth. Different ways of thinking will help you find ideas and solutions to the problems at hand. Let us approach conflict management with the intention that conflicts can be good for creating growth in our relationships. To manage conflict effectively, there is a need for fostering an atmosphere which empowers everyone involved to think outside the box and encourages them share their feelings, suggestions and opinions without fear. It is always encouraged to resolve conflicts with a very open and collaborative mind. Rise above the personal emotions and prioritize the final goals of the issue at hand.

Five key communication styles for managing conflict:

Smoothing/Accommodating — allowing the other party or parties to satisfy their concerns while neglecting your own. In these kinds of scenarios, one of the parties can take charge and try to smooth the conversation by using nice words and emphasizing on the points of agreements, while playing down on the points of disagreements. This can work as catalyst to break the discomfort between the involved parties. Creating a feeling of trust encourages all involved to come forward and join the conversation.

Withdrawing/Avoiding — not paying attention to the confl ict and not taking any action to resolve it. In some situations, one of the parties in the conflict may decide to retract from the discussion. Or one of the parties may decide to completely avoid the conflict by maintaining silence. Open lines of communication are important in addressing any issue keeping a relationship from moving forward. This is not the most effective style, as often avoiding our feelings and concerns can fester and turn into a larger conflict down the line.

Compromising/Reconciling — attempting to resolve the conflict by identifying a solution that is partially satisfactory to both parties but completely satisfactory to neither. Sometimes, for certain conflicts, there will be a need for everyone involved to think of a middle path wherein both parties decide to give up something and identify a resolution and path forward.

Problem Solving/Collaboration — cooperating with the other party or parties to understand their concerns in an effort to fi nd a mutually satisfying solution. Discuss the problem at hand with a very open mind. Allow everyone involved to share their emotions, feelings and concerns. Practicing active listening will be helpful so all parties can feel heard. This creates the space for everyone to open themselves up to collaboration.

Forcing/Competing — using power to satisfy your concerns without regard to the other party’s concerns. This is never recommended; it is usually reserved for a working environment hierarchy. (i.e., boss, supervisor who forces a solution) This style is most used when all other avenues have been exhausted or the cancer patient has lost the cognitive ability to participate in a solution to the conflict.

It is important to learn how to navigate your emotions, so that you can express your feelings to your loved one. Collaboration and compromise are the way to deal with important issues, although forcing can sometimes be appropriate if time is an issue, or someone has been determined by professionals to have cognitive failure in some way. For moderately important issues, compromising can lead to quick solutions, but it doesn’t satisfy either side, so collaboration is probably better.

Accommodation is the best approach for unimportant issues as it leads to quick resolution without straining the relationship or stressing out the patient.

In the next weeks blog, there are steps that can be taken to help change the communication style within your relationship dynamic. These can help improve the relationship, so all parties feel they are getting the support they need, while building positive interactions, love and support.