Communication Series II: General Tips on More Effective Communication during the Cancer Experience
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As we discussed in the last post, talking about cancer is challenging because it involves intense emotions. Even those who typically communicate well may have trouble talking about cancer. The goal of effective communication is mutual understanding and problem solving while pleasing both parties — not ‘winning’ the argument’ or ‘being right’. Nearly everyone feels more stress than usual when cancer occurs. It helps to know that people express their emotions in different ways.
Good communication with your loved ones involves talking openly and honestly about your thoughts and feelings. It includes sharing experiences, listening to others, and accepting other people’s thoughts and feelings without criticism, blame or judgement. Good communication is not easy and does not always come naturally. It requires practice and effort.
Keep eye contact, listen attentively, and avoid distractions when talking. One important way to provide support is to share some silence without needing to drown it out with chatter. Choose your words carefully. Make sure to acknowledge how difficult this experience is for the person.
Effective Communication Tips —
Accept Conflict. Remember that conflict is natural and happens in every ongoing relationship. Since conflict is unavoidable, we must learn to manage it. Conflict is only a sign of a need for change and an opportunity for growth, new understanding, and improved communication. Confl ict cannot be resolved unless it is addressed with the appropriate individual(s).
Practice Active Listening. People often think they’re listening but are really thinking about what they’re going to say next when the other person stops talking. Try to notice if you do that the next time you’re in a discussion. Active listening means you concentrate on understanding what the other person is saying, rather than thinking about what to say next. Truly effective communication goes both ways. It is a helpful way for you to show that you are connecting to the person’s words and feelings. To be an active listener: give your full attention, avoid thinking about what to say next, or hurrying the conversation and forcing it to a conclusion. While it might be difficult, try really listening to what your loved one is saying. Don’t interrupt. Don’t get defensive. Just hear them. For example, restate what your loved one said in your own words. Th en, ask for feedback to make sure you understand your loved one’s point of view. Th en, you’ll understand them better and they’ll be more willing to listen to you.
Be a Calming Agent. Regardless of whether you are being a sounding board for a friend or dealing with your own conflict, your response to the conflict can escalate or decrease the intensity of the problem. To be calming, provide an objective or neutral point of view. Help plan how you are going to work with the other party to achieve resolution.
Be Specific and Clear. When communicating with people, be very specific. Communicate your feelings, thoughts and opinions, be sure to clarify ambiguous terms that each person may interpret differently. For example, “hurt” could mean either sad or disappointed. People can’t read each other’s minds, and the only way to effective communication is to be clear, honest and direct. For example, it is more effective to make a request than to blame, shame or judge your loved one.
For example, say, “Please don’t leave your socks on the floor,” instead of “You’re so messy.”
Use “I” Statements to Describe Your Feelings. Rather than saying things like, “You really messed up here,” begin statements with “I”, and make them about yourself and your feelings, like, “I feel frustrated when this happens.” It’s less accusatory, sparks less defensiveness, and helps the other person understand your point of view rather than feeling attacked. Work through how you feel, what the specific problem is and what impact it is having on you.
I - based statements formula below
I feel (strongest feeling).
When you (objective description of the behavior).
Because (specific impact or consequences).
I would like (what you want the person to do in the future to prevent the problem).
Focus On a Single Topic At a Time. Sometimes it’s tempting to bring up past seemingly related conflicts when dealing with current ones. It feels relevant to address everything that’s bothering you at once and get it all talked about while you’re already dealing with one conflict. Unfortunately, this often clouds the issue and makes finding mutual understanding and a solution to the current issue less likely, and makes the whole discussion more taxing, confusing and even draining on your energy.
Avoid bringing up other topics or old arguments. Do not expect to resolve difficult topics in a single conversation. Agree to continue talking about the subject at another time. Stay focused on the present, your feelings, understanding one another, and finding a solution.
Do Not Rush the Conversation. Take time to decide what you want to say. Give your loved one time as well. Take turns talking, and do not interrupt each other. Give your full undivided attention. Put away or turn off all cell phones or electronic devices. Show respect for those involved, by being fully present and engaged in the conversation.
Own What’s Yours. Realize that personal responsibility is a strength, not a weakness. Effective communication involves admitting when you’re wrong. If you both share some responsibility in the conflict (which is usually the case), look for and admit to what’s yours. Own it, take responsibility.
It diff uses the situation, sets a good example, and shows maturity. It also often inspires the other person to respond in kind, leading you both closer to mutual understanding and a workable solution.
Model Neutral Language. When people are in conflict, they use inflammatory language such as profanity, name calling, and exaggerations that escalate the conflict. Restate inflammatory language in a more objective way to help make the information less emotionally laden and more useful for future discussions. Avoid criticism, sarcasm, name calling, and insults. If you become angry or upset, using a calming routine, such as taking a deep breath or leaving the room for a break, can be more helpful than forcing yourself to continue. And taking a break is always better than pushing through and saying things you may not mean.
Respond to Criticism with Empathy. When someone comes at you with criticism, it’s easy to feel that they’re wrong and get defensive. While criticism is hard to hear and oft en exaggerated or colored by the other person’s emotions, it’s important to listen to the other person’s pain and respond with empathy for their feelings. Also, look for what’s true in what they’re saying; that can be valuable information for you. Analyze your own behavior. Do you do any of the things being brought to the conversation?
Look for Compromise. Instead of trying to “win” the argument, look for solutions that meet everybody’s needs. Either through compromise or a new creative solution that gives you both what you want most, this is much more effective than one person getting what they want at the other’s expense. Healthy communication involves finding a resolution that
both sides can be happy with.
Agree to Disagree. Each person has a unique point of view and rarely agrees on every detail. Being right is not what is important. When managing conflict, seeking the “truth” can trap you rather than set you free. For example, consider the differing testimony of witnesses that all see the same event. Truth is relative to the person’s point of view.
Take a Time-Out. Sometimes tempers get heated and it’s just too difficult to continue a discussion without it becoming an argument or a fight. If you feel yourself or anyone else getting too angry to be constructive, or showing some destructive communication patterns, it’s okay to take a break from the discussion until you both cool off . This can mean taking a walk and cooling off to return to the conversation in half an hour, or “sleeping on it” so you can process what you’re feeling a
little more, as long as you do return to the conversation. Sometimes good communication means knowing when to walk away for a break.
Keep at It. While taking a break from the discussion is sometimes a good idea, always come back to it. If you both approach the situation with a constructive attitude, mutual respect, and a willingness to see the other’s point of view or at least find a solution, you can make progress toward the goal of a resolution to the conflict. Unless it’s time to give up on the relationship, don’t give up on communication.
Ask For Help If You Need It. If one or both of you has trouble staying respectful during confl ict or if you’ve tried resolving conflict with your loved one on your own and the situation just doesn’t seem to be improving, you might benefit from getting the point of view from a neutral person. Depending on the severity of the conflict a few sessions with a therapist might be appropriate. Couples counseling or family therapy can provide help with altercations and teach skills to resolve future conflict. If loved one(s) don’t want to go, you can still often benefit from going alone.